Within a few days of my mother’s death, I dreamt she was was puttering about in the room where my children slept. We stayed with my father for almost a month after her passing.
“Shh… Mom!” I told her, “the kids are sleeping. Don’t wake them up.”
I was fussing helplessly, impotently, about the orbit of her flurry of productive activity, unable to deter her from her appointed rounds.
And though she finished putting away their laundry—in this dream, so keenly reflecting the fastidious, caring life my mother lived—those sleeping cherubs did not wake up… until one did.
But the sleep-confused boy, even in the dream, could not see my mother there. He reacted only to me, and with mild confusion.
“What’s the matter, Mommy?” asked my baby-almost-grown-to-manhood, before drifting back to sleep, unaware that Grandma was calmly finishing her work within an arm’s reach.
Even in my dream, the truth remained evident. My mother was gone from this mortal coil. No matter how high the heaps of unwashed clothes, nor the number of days that beds remained un-made, Grandma would not be back to re-affirm the self-defined borders of appropriateness within her last home.
We were on our own with our mess, and the loss of her. My mother was dead and gone, and I knew that…
And yet!
My Mom saw me at least once in her last living days, her sight clearing for a moment while she looked straight at me, telling me, “I love you!” She said my name. She saw me.
The fog of cancer lifted for a minute; her gaze was clear. She seemed purely coherent then, contrary to recent history. My mother said good-bye when she got the chance.
I believe that was her last full day drawing breath, but I don’t really trust my memory for the time. In my recollection, I was the little girl, the smallest in her class, headed off to Kindergarten with her Snoopy lunchbox in the white dress Mom had picked out, red-tipped, with red leather shoes to match.
That’s what I thought Mom saw.
One moment took me back that far.
She’d been mostly not-quite-present for awhile, by that point, but I knew she was fully aware when she said farewell. I believe she was knew it was time to say a final goodbye, though I resisted that knowledge in the moment.
A few days ago, my mother again visited my dreams. It’s been about two years and eight months since she died.
In the dream, Mom was driving a large SUV.
While not her favorite vehicle—that would be a powder blue, late model Chrysler New Yorker sedan dubbed Gwendolyn, by me with navy blue leather upholstery, of course!—going somewhere by automobile suits my mother perfectly. In this, she was like other Baby Boomers.
Cars were a symbol of freedom and status for her generation!
In my recent dream, Mom had her head out the window as she navigated much too closely up to the window of an imaginary fast food restaurant. The part where Mom leaned out the window is wildly out of character, while the rest fits.
Though never explicitly stated, it was pretty evident she was there for ice cream. I don’t for the life of me believe she’d venture back for a burger, but for vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce, and maybe a few sliced bananas?
“Watch your head, Mom!” I called. I was sure she’d knock herself senseless against the window boxes—standing like escarpments—surrounding the drive-up window of my dreams.
As in real life, Mom barely seemed to register my concern, carrying on according to her own plan. I’m not really joking when I describe my mother as a force of nature in her polite, petite way.
I woke up in the morning reassured by this “visit” with my mother.
A few days—maybe a week—onward, all I can say is, “my mother came to visit. She was checking in on me.”
It was probably just a dream.
There’s likely nothing more to it.
And yet…
And yet.
If you’ve lost someone, I pray that you find them again, if only in your dreams.
♦
I felt compelled to compose and post this particular piece as quickly as possible to share my experience with the world. Had I only tried that first test brand, that I happened upon at my local pharmacy last fall, I would have no idea how tricky other versions of COVID-19 tests might be for those of us with more limited mobility.
Really Wonderful Things 