Exposé: worst face scenario with an autoimmune condition

A terrible thing happened this morning.

I woke up looking as bad as I’ve been feeling.

Sigh.

#LivingWithRA

 

 

*Important note: I felt this way a couple of days ago. The silly wordplay for the title came to me last night, when I scheduled the post. The sentiment resonates over and over again, unfortunately! Thanks for reading.

I would move to Mars tomorrow, if I could

I would leave for Mars tomorrow if they’d let me. I would pack up whatever I was allowed to bring or leave it all, and I would go. I don’t think I would ever look back, though I would most assuredly miss who and what I left behind.

Now, let’s put that in context…

I think my life choices qualify me as a pretty dedicated mom. I decided before I had children that motherhood would be my primary occupation if I did procreate. Being a parent is a calling that I answered; I’m proud of my work.

Also, my kids are awesome. I like my teenager even more now than I did when he was a child. I didn’t know that was possible. And my little guy? Adorable, articulate, and the most imaginative storyteller I’ve ever met.

I like my kids.

I’m blessed to have found a spouse who is a ridiculously good fit. I mean, seriously, if you had any idea how odd I really am, and how perfectly, equally nuts DH is… It’s an understatement to say that I love him. It’s insufficient to state that I admire, respect, and enjoy spending every minute I can get with my husband. I have brought myself to tears by imagining that someday the world will exist without this man in it. I wish everyone could have the joy of knowing a love like we share.

I like my husband.

But to travel the galaxy?

To leave the confines of the planet Earth?

To be an explorer of the cosmos?

To be a colonist is outer space?

I would leave tomorrow.

I don’t think there is any other cause that would find me abandoning my family. Most scenarios would see me fighting to the death for them before allowing us to be torn apart.

Some couples have those “impossible lover” cheating exceptions. We don’t. But maybe this is like that?

I warned my husband before I married him: I will go to Mars if the opportunity ever presents itself.

I’m not an astronaut, so this is highly unlikely. He accepted my terms. Fast forward a decade and a half.

I’ve warned the kids: children, I love you more than anything, but I will go to Mars if a mission ever accepts me.

None of my family members share this insanity. They’ve all agreed that they understand (sort of), but they wouldn’t go with me.

My husband reminds me that I like to wash my hair every day. I’m arthritic and occasionally phobic and I live within a set of routines that allay my anxiety.

But I would shave my head, tolerate constant pain, and give it all up to go to Mars, and I would do it tomorrow. I would turn my back on planet Earth given the chance. Because, if I had the opportunity to reach the farthest frontier available to humanity, nothing would stop me from running toward it.

This is the penultimate human experience, as I see it, and I would never turn it down.

I would miss my family forever, but I would leave them for this one thing, unlikely as it is.

Rescue! Lost dog finds his way home

There won’t be too many posts that I begin like this: I was a hero this morning before breakfast.

I’m being hyperbolic*, of course. I was merely helpful. I did, however, have the opportunity to ease a lost little dog’s obvious anxiety, then find his way home, and I did it before drinking my coffee.

I’m pretty sure the dog felt I was heroic.

I was startled by a flash of movement outside the back door. It’s a private, fenced yard where no one should be at 7:30 on a weekday morning. There was a little white dog padding anxiously along the perimeter of the house and yard, shivering and unhappy.

He walked up to the patio door. His eye contact said, “I see you, lady, and I’m meant to be in there with you. Why aren’t you saving me?

I called out to the rest of the household.

“Have you seen this dog before? He looks lost.”

Response: “Are you sure it’s not a cat?”

A fair number of neighborhood cats perch on the fence, but, no, this guy is a small white dog with some black markings and a powder blue collar.

I’m not a veterinarian or anything, but I felt confident stating this was a dog.

Someone more interested in dogs than I went out slowly and spoke kindly to him, but it was pretty obvious this frightened the little animal more. I was still the recipient of a lot of canine eye contact.

“Yes, lady, I’m looking at you.”

I never thought I had any dog whispering (canine telepathy?) powers before today, but I trust my interpretation.

We offered a bowl of water and someone went looking for an appropriate treat to lure him close enough to read his tags.

With a sigh, I sat down on the cold ground and the shivering pup edged his way nervously around the dog lover–sitting still and patient on a patio chair, hoping to help–and right into my lap.

The dog’s body language said it all:

Finally.”

Deep sigh.

I am allergic to dogs, so I usually speak to them politely while avoiding physical contact. They often resent my abject failure to pet (clearly knowing it is their due for having the grace to be domesticated and accept the often thankless task of being man’s best friend.)

Today, there could be none of that.

With my reassuring warmth relieving the chill of the morning, the tags on his collar were read, a neighbor’s phone number discovered, and, a few minutes later, a joyful reunion with a family member orchestrated.

His name is Buddy, and he was a rescue, and he is afraid of men. I know a few humans who share similar characteristics.

So I was Buddy’s hero this morning, bright and early, before my coffee. Like most moms, I live to serve. (Sort of, and with a bit of a giggling snort for that overblown statement.)

At least it is fair to say that, as a mom, I work to meet the needs of those smaller and less powerful than myself every day. Today, that small being was Buddy. Happy as he was to see his family, he definitely threw me a backwards glance. He was grateful that I eventually listened to him, and gave him what he needed.

I don’t know why Buddy picked me to be his hero this morning, but I was pleased to find I could rise to the task, allergies and all. Rarely are we so graciously asked when we are called to serve.

* Hyperbolic as an adjective relating to exaggeration, of course, but wouldn’t it be funny if I meant “being like a curve that is formed by the intersection of a double right circular cone with a plane that cuts both halves of the cone?” Even more fascinating: Merriam Webster states the the first definition predates the geometric one by more than a century (15th century vs. 1676.) Can that really be true? I feel that a great deal more research into this word is now warranted.

How to help when there is nothing you can do?

We all face some problems with no real solution. There are periods in every life when trials must be endured, and difficulties faced. This week, I’m struggling with what to do when a loved one is suffering, and there’s nothing I can do.

Yet, doing nothing isn’t an option. I can’t solve the problem, but I can insert my love and affection between a person I care about and her pain.

When there’s nothing else to do, I can help by being available.

I can offer my ears, and listen.

I can offer my heart, and empathize.

I can offer my time, and share it with someone who is feeling unheard, unappreciated, and disenfranchised.

I can’t solve her problem, but I can be present.

It doesn’t feel like enough, but it’s all that I can do.

beach - 1

My husband shares his beautiful photographs with me

Hand-me-down clothes & the needs of the second son

A package should arrive tomorrow full of new school clothes for my boys.

This is a pretty common purchase in middle class America in August. Back to school shopping is a tradition. Certainly I grew up with a replenished wardrobe every year at this time, ready to show up in a new classroom sporting unblemished shoes and a fresh favorite outfit. My brother also met September with new sneakers and the latest cool t-shirts in his closet. My mother took meticulous care of our appearances.

But I didn’t follow in my mother’s footsteps. I’m no match for her as a housekeeper, and I didn’t take my kids to the mall for the annual sales. I just replaced what was worn out or outgrown. Usually that meant almost every purchase was destined for DS1, who’s older by several years and has been consistently bigger at similar ages.

This year, I’ve done something a little different in my shopping. Ten of the 15 items in the package are for DS2.

Wardrobe for boy

New clothes for DS2 . One pair of jeans came from a local store, hence 11 items.

He’s the second son.

He has grown up wearing his brother’s hand-me-down clothes.

I thought I should offer him more this year, and here’s why. Continue reading