Holiday wishes for readers of every stripe: why I may wish you Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and Good Yule, too

2017-12-092017-12-20willo Here's how I see it Tags: blended, Chanukkah, Christmas, cooperation, darkness, family, Festivus, holiday, Hunukkah, light, love, mixed faith, peace, relationships, Saturnalia, shalom, Solstice, War on Christmas, winter, Yule 2 Comments

Looking forward to a holiday season that promises merriment and stresses, joys and missed opportunities, I send my sincere wishes for a healthy, happy, well-balanced Celebration of Your Choice to every reader.

Beginnings of a feast to welcome the New Year

Contrary to what some pundits believe, I am not partaking in a “War on Christmas.” I just happen not to be one of the Americans who makes a Christmas holiday in her home. I am delighted by the fact that so many do, however, and honored to be invited to participate in Christmas and alternate holiday parties held by friends, family, and my community.

I cherish every card I receive wishing me the best, whether the sender is joyfully recounting the birth of Jesus or illuminating the darkness in remembrance of a miracle of light. Some of the greetings are silly cartoons and puns, and I like those laughs, too.

I’m especially fond of the irreverent ones because they tickle my fancy, though I don’t think most who know me would accuse me of a lack of reverence in my personal or spiritual conduct.

Ёлка (yolka)

I even appreciate the commercial cards from my dentist or the auto repair shop, especially when an employee took the time to sign his name; it may be advertising, but it is also a human expression in an age when some would call corporations “citizens.” Ahem. It’s an effort to spread joy. I’m all in favor of that.

Counting your blessings, sharing glad tidings, and lighting up the darkness are Really Wonderful Things.

I begrudge no one her wish to draw her family close and celebrate the season as she sees fit; I wish for everyone the comfort of being embraced by his family and friends during these darkest days of the year.

It is human nature to need a bright and warm “coming together” in the heart of winter. I hope every reader finds that, whether the bosom that welcomes you is secular or holy, crowded or solitary.

May each of us find the love we need to keep our spirits lifted, now and going forward.

And I pray for extra doses of relaxation to find their way to all of us who join in multitudinous cultural festivals due to the rich complexity of our intermingled lives. Let all the in-laws and outlaws* revel together in harmony this season.

Shalom! Peace be with you and yours. Happy holidays. Blessed be.

Homemade hanukkiahחַנֻכִּיָּה, only slightly flammable. Adult supervision required!

♦

*Outlaws may be a distant possibility unless you celebrate a real, old-fashioned Saturnalia. Enjoy a law-abiding holiday season… unless you are living in place that suppresses your religious freedom. Secret personal observances in defiance of culture police? Yes. Drunk driving? No!

How to help when there is nothing you can do?

2017-08-152017-08-14willo Here's how I see it Tags: empathy, family, listening, love, problems, solutions, time 7 Comments

We all face some problems with no real solution. There are periods in every life when trials must be endured, and difficulties faced. This week, I’m struggling with what to do when a loved one is suffering, and there’s nothing I can do.

Yet, doing nothing isn’t an option. I can’t solve the problem, but I can insert my love and affection between a person I care about and her pain.

When there’s nothing else to do, I can help by being available.

I can offer my ears, and listen.

I can offer my heart, and empathize.

I can offer my time, and share it with someone who is feeling unheard, unappreciated, and disenfranchised.

I can’t solve her problem, but I can be present.

It doesn’t feel like enough, but it’s all that I can do.

My husband shares his beautiful photographs with me

Anxiety has little sense, but so many urgent sensations

2017-06-082017-07-01willo Here's how I see it Tags: anxiety, health, love, sleep Leave a comment

Here’s something funny about anxiety:

It’s so forceful, and feels so compelling, yet it makes no real sense.

Completely wrapped up in my worries about preparations for a big trip on a tight schedule, I completely forgot to be afraid alone in my big bed at night while my husband was away.

Usually, I (unconsciously) wait up for the man who isn’t coming.

linen duvet on bed - 1 Though I lay awake some hours consumed with fears of forgotten necessities, I never once heard creeping marauders making mayhem downstairs. I didn’t even need earplugs to let the little night noises go unregarded.

I’ve had some success with the process of unspooling my anxious thoughts to their ridiculous conclusions. Often, doing so allows me to finally drop off to sleep at night.

Perhaps I can use this new observation about competing irrational thoughts to do something similar the next time my husband is away from home overnight.

If I have the power to ignore a fear to focus on a different one, surely I can do myself the favor of letting it go for the benefit of a good night’s rest.

Sleep is such a beautiful thing, and anxiety is the mortal enemy of my much needed repose. night marble moon

A cold shoulder was my shorthand for “I hate it when you leave”

2017-05-242017-05-24willo You might find this helpful Tags: commitment, communication, family, love, marriage, saying good-bye 1 Comment

We all have behaviors that we’ve not so much chosen as assumed. One of mine was pointed out to me years ago by my beloved spouse.

DH observed:

“You always pick a fight with me before I travel.”

He was completely right.

Once this behavior was drawn to my attention, I gained a measure of control over it. Now, on the evening before DH leaves for a business trip, I don’t pick a fight about how one ought to load the dishwasher or the correct position for the lid of a toilet not in use.

Instead, I cling to him almost desperately, and whisper sadly:

“I hate when you go. I want to punch you. I love you.”

Note: These are just words of frustration. Families should not hit each other.* If your family hits you, please get help. Call the police.

Even wallowing in awareness of my reluctance to part, and fully cognizant of my tendency toward easing the transition through verbal aggression, I still need to express it.

At least now, this expression has joined the ranks of our commonly understood, odd, humor-filled scripted interactions.

“I’ll miss you, too,” DH says. “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

He hugs me tight and gives me the reassurance I’m tacitly requesting.

DH doesn’t always speak my language, but he’s gotten pretty good at interpreting it.

Someday, perhaps I will evolve even further. I may yet grow into a kinder, gentler person who doesn’t feel angry—and find a need to express that anger through nitpicking fights or unpleasant words—when confronted by the temporary loss of my love.

He’s my best friend. I hate it when he goes away for even one night.

That’s probably what I should learn to say instead.

*There is some physical contact that is perhaps best described as martial arts practice in our family. That requires the explicit, stated participation of all parties, and is only supposed to occur in our exercise room. None of the men in the household seem capable of confining their wrestling to the gym, but it is the rule, for the benefit of the furniture as well as the safety of the combatants.

Mother’s Day is the gift: one perspective to consider when shopping for Mom

2017-04-292017-04-29willo Here's how I see it Tags: family, gift, love, Mother's Day 1 Comment

Speaking for myself, and my kids have heard some of this before…

I don’t need a Hallmark card on Mother’s Day.

I don’t need a mug that says “Mother.” I don’t need any thing at all. You don’t even have to buy me flowers.

On Mother’s Day, I’d like your time, your love, and your cheerful participation.

I’d like to sleep in

I’d like to sleep in, on Mother’s Day, until I wake up with a yawn and a smile and no alarm clock—digital or demanding human—in sight.

Then, when you’ve heard sounds of my stirring, I’d like my two favorite kids in the history of the universe to come joyfully in and jump in my bed with hugs and kisses like I got when you were toddlers and I was the center of your world.

No one’s too old to kiss his mom on Mother’s Day.

I’d like someone else to cook & clean

I’d like someone else to cook breakfast, but I don’t care if its fancy. I want the dirty dishes to disappear without my saying a word. In fact, I’d like to find the kitchen clean at the end of the day, ~~even~~ especially if I never set foot in the room.

A running dishwasher without prompting is like a love song to me on Mother’s Day.

I’d like to spend time with you

On Mother’s Day, I propose we build a jigsaw puzzle with nary an eye roll and no suggestion that a video game would be more fun. I like playing Ages of Empires with you, or The Sims, but I enjoy building things more.

If you bought me a gift over my protestations, I hope its a 1000+ piece puzzle with an image you like, too. Or maybe a Lego City set—one of the modular town buildings that I love. We could spend a whole day assembling and playing with that.

If there’s a gift, I hope you bought it with the intention that we would enjoy it together.

Show me your best self

Order takeout or pizza for dinner, if you don’t want to cook again. I don’t mind; I just like to be fed.

Show me your consideration by remembering what I like, or use that excellent brain to observe that I’ve marked up all the menus with everyone’s usual order. That’s how I make sure your favorite dish is never forgotten.

If you looked, you’d find my cookbooks full of similar notes, too. Who likes what? How must I challenge Betty Crocker so you like a recipe better? Have you ever noticed that this is just another little way that I take care of you every day?

Serve the food on plates, not from the boxes. Remember to put napkins on the table without being reminded that we’re civilized. Ask me if I’d like a glass of water instead of asking me to get one for you. Bring silverware for everyone, even your brother.

Use your very best, cruise ship manners.

Tell me, show me, acknowledge me

Tell me you love me. Show me you love me. Today is the day to acknowledge my boundless love for you.

That’s what I’d like for Mother’s Day.

How will you celebrate Mom on Sunday, May 14?